Day 38: Introspection Breeds Insanity

The StrengthsFinder test I took at work told me that one of my 5 top strengths is "Futuristic." The other 4 were Input, Communication, Woo, and Intellection, but those don't matter at the moment. My issue is with the future.

According to the test, "Chances are good that you might feel more enthusiastic about life if you spend a lot of time imagining what can be done in the coming months, years, decades. You refuse to leave your destiny to chance. You probably resist placing it in someone else's hands. You trust your own imagination and intelligence when setting a direction for your life."

The test gurus know me well apparently. I spend a lot of time thinking about what's ahead, and I have somewhat of a hard time settling down to appreciate the here and now. I'm always thinking ahead to the next chapter of my life, wondering where it will take me and what exciting new things I can make happen. My follow-through on those exciting things has yet to be determined, but I feel like my mind is constantly playing the futuristic what-if game.

What if I don't like where I decide to move?

What if I overlooked something?

What if there was a better option and I chose the wrong one?

What if I don't have all of the facts and make an uninformed decision, without even realizing it?

It's enough to drive a girl crazy. I want to take risks, lead with my heart, follow my feet, plunge headfirst into life without looking back. But then I risk failure. Then I risk being wrong. Then I might have regrets.

I hate the cage I live in, and yet it is home, it is comfort, it is calm.

If I leave the cage behind, will I be happy, successful?

If I stay inside, will I continue to peer through the bars, wondering what would happen if I just left them behind?

Introspection breeds insanity.

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This song has been stuck in my head for the last hour. It has been one of my favorite songs since my sophomore year of college and was one of my theme songs during my trip to Europe.

Natasha Bedingfield, "Wild Horses"

I feel these 4 walls closing in

My face up against the glass, I'm looking out... hmm

Is this my life I'm wondering

It happened so fast

How do I turn this thing around

Is this the bed I chose to make

It's greener pastures I'm thinking about hmm

Wide open spaces far away

All I want is the wind in my hair

To face the fear but, not feel scared

Wild horses I wanna be like you

Throwing caution to the wind

I'll run free too

Wish I could recklessly love, like I'm longing to

Run with the wild horses, run with the wild horses!

I see the girl I wanna be

Riding bareback, carefree along the shore

If only that someone was me

Jumping head first headlong without a thought

To act and damn the consequence

How I wish it could be that easy

But fear surrounds me like a fence

I wanna break free

All I want is the wind in my hair

To face the fear but, not feel scared

Wild horses I wanna be like you

Throwing caution to the wind

I'll run free too

Wish I could recklessly love, like I'm longing to

I wanna run with the wild horses, run with the wild horses!

Recklessly abandoning my self before you

I wanna open up my heart tell him how I feel...